The CrossFit Dick
I admit it. I have no idea what I’m talking about. I’ve just been informed that this product description is about the Gym, a place where people pay other people so they can run in place and watch Judge Judy –I’m sorry. Never been there. The last time I was in a gym, Mr. Martino caught me looking up April’s skirt as she was manhandling the rope on her way to the ceiling. Unless they allow open containers and cracked out cheerleaders on the squash courts, I’m just not interested.
Anyhoo, I’ve got a job to do, so let’s get on with it. Gyms are full of dicks–Narcisissdicks! Essentially incestuous cliques that deem the outside world inferior, gyms are peopled by obnoxious optimists who fail to see the beauty in laziness and debauchery. Guess what, thunder butt? I just ordered a pizza, and I’m not even hungry. Also, I’ve been drunk since noon. Suck on these health nuts..
Perhaps the most vile of the Gym Rat species is the Cross Fitticus Douchebagganus. Deathly allergic to fun and ugly people, these ignorant varmints huff and puff until they blow their knees out. To make fun of these soulless whelps, we’ve fashioned quite the Gym Member. Replete with cardboard Schwarzenegger arms and abs to boast, this dick is ready for dead lifts, protein shakes and some happy hour infidelity.
So wait no longer, my loathsome pudgeballs and take revenge on Cross Dicks everywhere. Fuck. I’m glad that’s finished. Intern, re-fill my martini and roll me over; my side fat needs some sun!
P.S. Each CrossFit dick comes stock with a cardboard representation of a headband. You can no longer upgrade to a super absorbent, soft, nimble, comfortable, elastic cotton, sweattastic, stylish, perspiration-killing headband. A custom message can be added and we’ll laser engrave it across the balls. Congratulate your lifting partners on their new gains, or tell that super bro that he’s gone a little too overboard on the broness, The custom message is only an additional $4.50!