BACK 2 SKOOL SURVIVAL KIT
Back to School Survival Kit
What’s that swath of sloth you see next to the English Department? You mean that viscous puddle of profound indifference? That’s a yawn of coeds thrown up on the campus lawn. Oh yes, it’s Back 2 Skool Thyme y’all–cheers to another semester of drinking away your Daddy’s money between bouts of awkward yet well-intended fellatio. Because we here at Shipadick ( PHD, Fulbright Scholar) know too well the rigors of modern Academia, we’ve cum to your rescue again with the SAD Back 2 Skool Survival Kit. So put down that guitar you don’t know how to play, light some shitty incense and look at me when I speak. Yes, I’m talking to you, you goodfornothing, smartphone-humping, helpless millennial.
– dick ruler (History lesson!–most rulers are dicks)
– dick pens (Impress all the cute subversive bookworms by insisting on hand-writing all your papers in cursive ‘cuz your thoughts just totally flow better that way)
– dick tattoos (If you’re gonna talk the talk, you better cock the cock)
– Blowpaste lube (Water-based and condom safe flavored edible lube. Good for intercourse, jerkin’ off, and blowjobs).
– dick condoms (Nobody wants that rash your 2nd cousin gave you)
– dick koozies (Your choice; keep your beer cold or your dick warm)
– Emergen C- (Vitamins to supplement your utterly ravaged immune system)
– Earplugs (to shield your brain from all those horrible Jack Johnson covers)
– A handful of bootleg Adderall (kidding!)
– A Tub of industrial strength White-out (still working out the shipping..)
We’ve even included a custom note card for free!! Help your slow-witted whelp onto the grenade-laden path of misery/adulthood with aptly chosen phrases like these;
“If you fail this semester, you’re working on your pedophile uncle’s peanut farm” or “Good luck at college, my little moonbeam.”
Have a good school year you filthy edumacated coeds, we believe in you!