The Bald Eagle Dick
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  • The Bald Eagle Dick

The Bald Eagle Dick

If there was a noble prize for groundbreaking patriotism, our eagle dick would swoop through the auditorium, shit on the podium and fly off with his golden prize tucked between his talons. Yes, my friends, our cardboard raptor is that patriotdick!

Just like the beloved Turdicken, this eagle’s feathers affix to the shaft with plastic rivets which allow for maximum expansion. Go full spread eagle and make this dick the vigilante of your apartment complex or punish it┬áby retracting its wings and putting it in the corner. The choice is yours, young falconer.

Accentuated with a laser-engraved USA across its chest and wings, this predatory raptor will suckle the teat of freedom ’til freedom herself cries mercy and begs for a safe word.

Because of its 72 inch wing span and the royal American blood in its DNA, the Bald Eagle dick is priced a bit higher than our other dicks. Be not afraid, young dickshipper, for this ferocious symbol of freedom delivers a dickload of bang for every buck. Some Assembly acquired (It’s like IKEA, but for dicks–DICKEA).

If you’re feeling extra patriotdick, check out this amazing video of an eagle boner: EAGLE!