The Beeber Dick!
Introducing the “Beeber”*
Full disclosure—we’re beliebers here at the dick factory. His rise to stardom is the biggest news out of Canada since Celine Dion whipped her penis across the border and smashed the Titanic. While some beliebe his mere existence should mandate a wall along the Canadian border, we watch his foolhardy antics like a rabid wolverine in Nintendo’s Duck Cunt.
As a result of our former love affair (can you call a weekly fisting session love?) with Harvey Levin, we’re privy to some exclusive information regarding the boy wonder. A kind of anti-Pinocchio, it appears Justin Beeber’s genitalia has been shrinking since 2005. It seems he’s afflicted with the rare yet deadly “Douchebaggio Syndrome.” Every time he gets a new tattoo, meant to symbolize some half-conceived notion on the front cover of a book his assistant almost looked at, an inch inches away. Every time he drives drunk or pees in the corner of a restaurant, his balls constrict like embarrassed hedgehogs.
To spread awareness of our hero’s unfortunate ailment, we’re offering the one & only Beeber Dick. In solidarity with this needle-dick bugfucker, we’ve reduced our ’29 inch phallus to a diminutive 5.5 inches. We need to be honest: the actual shaft size just shy of 4 inches. Yes, we realize it’s a very generous interpretation.
Like a chorus line of Chlamydia and Crabs, let’s spread the word and our legs and end this horrible condition once and for all.
Every Beeber comes with the option of a custom message. 15 characters max.
Or leave it blank… we don’t really give a poop.
*Any correlation between our new product and the lovable Canadian crooner (last name Bieber) is unfounded speculation & purely coincidental.