If the beard is a form of shallow overcompensation, mustaches are their pathetic protégés, veritable vacuums of crumbs and museums of spittle. Like a collection of pubic hair hastily glued to resemble a ferret, mustaches discourage all kinds of wetness. Friends don’t let friends grow mustaches–exceptions to this rule include law enforcement, costume orgies and Tom Selleck! So, if you know one of these misguided face gardeners, or if you’ve been thigh-tatted by his unruly stubble, ship him The Stash to start this important conversation. Make him or her understand that a wiry zygote of a beard might not be such a good idea after all!
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