The Tuggies Tube Socks
Golly Gee Willikers! We’ve got a whizbanger of a Public Service Announcement. The reclusive, misunderstood & utterly brilliant Mr. Dick has been in creative quarantine for the past few months. Aside from guttural moans (which seemed to derive from the infernal fathoms of his soul) and the occasional huff of a seasoned paint sniffer, us peasants working the floor of the dick factory knew nothing of Mr. Dick’s clandestine vision quest.
Just yesterday, our malnourished and exhausted supreme leader, clamored down his private silo with a scroll flecked with miniature dicks and a glimmer in his eye that would make Galileo blush. What, you ask, has Mr. Dick pulled out of his proverbial pantyhose? Socks! More Specifically, the mind-humpingly original Tuggies Tube Socks!
A potent cocktail of cotton and dick, these Tuggies are so cool that they’ll be smoking cigarettes and leaning on your stepfather’s Camaro in no time!
George Washington didn’t skip the Christmas of ‘76 just so you could email multi-corporate, electronic gift cards to your Aunt Edna’s cramped inbox. This holiday season, we, here at Shipadick, dare you to travel beyond the twitterverse into that low-res awkward world where your body resides.
Now, look at the people, groups of people called families and communities. Give these honorable folks something tangible to cock about. Buy a friend a pair of socks that are drowning in a sea of dicks. Born, raised and nurtured in the warm bosom of America, our Tuggies offer a shaft of hope for our digitized and soulless empire.
Akin to the satirists of Ancient Greece, we understand the fundamental necessity of the dick joke. Free from crippling irony and disparaging stereotypes, our dick lingerie is a celebration of that creepy child that cries inside us all. Please help us peddle the only form of sincerity–the novelty gift. Everything else is shrouded in materialism and selfishness. Together, we can save the world from seriousness.
OBLIGATORY CHECKLIST OF GENERIC UPLIFTING FACTS:
1.Like most dicks, our Tuggies Tube Socks are made in the U.S.A.
2. ½ the world will think our products immature and juvenile, thereby validating your childish, rebellious and wonderful sense of humor that sets you apart from all the craphounds who are trying way too hard.
3.Your dick is bigger than any of the dicks on our Tuggies.
4. They’re aphrodisiacs. (Just ask your mom).
5.The Tuggies Tube Sock reifies modern dickstory once and for all. What better way to nullify centuries of dick power than forcing them upon your disgusting feet?
6. They’re softer than a koala resting in a Egyptian cotton hammock outside a shampoo factory.