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Fuck dicks. It’s 2019, and we’re turning over a new queef at the cock shop. Once noble denizens of our sallow jockstraps, our dicks are clearly conniving, cheating, worthless cunts. So we, perennial innovators of all things genitalia, have devised a solution. A remedy so cutting-edge, 0 out of ten doctors call it the new circumcision.

Stomp ‘em out. With every step. Behold the socially-conscious and decidedly not tone-deaf Dick Flops!!! Available in three sizes, these tramp-stampers are ideal footwear for hangovers, dining halls and strip-mall day spas. At their hardest core, they are a flippitty-floppitty fuck you to all those Birkenstock jocks and their slam-clam jamborees.

SIZE CHART:

**SOLD OUT** Large (M 10 – 11) Sandal Length – 11.5″ **SOLD OUT**
Medium (M 8-10) Sandal Length – 10.75″
Small (M 7 and Below) Sandal Length – 10.5″

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Dad Dicks. The biggest damn dicks you ever saw in your prepubescent life.
Outfitted with a generic tie and a cup of American-flavored Joe, our dicks will transform your creator into a harbinger of hallmark-sponsored domestic bliss. Resurrect his balls from your mother’s purse and watch him proudly prance across the living room—among all the other suburban roosters, make him the top cock of the neighborhood. After all, your Dad cared enough about the “future you” to scuff the pleather interior of his Ford Tempo. So, tell him you love him, tell him you hate him or tell him you’re gay*. We don’t care. Just get the order in soon so we can get these dicks out the door.
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The Classic, the OG, the dick that started it all

Just like a vintage vibrator, it’s primed, pumped and ready for love

This wonderfully designed penis shape is precision cut by a laser and then lovingly shipped to the recipient of your choosing. Don’t underestimate the power of this blank slate. Just like post-modern art, this ambiguous dick is sure to delight and befuddle your friends.  Guaranteed to force hard, philosoftdickal contradicktory introspection, the original dick is like that unexpected kiss from your girlfriend’s stepmom!

We’ve included a custom note card for free! Enter it below.

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A 29″ personalized member

that will bring a smile to any recipient’s face.  Use the Custom message to express your love or remind your friends of that embarrassing drunken moment from the night before.  Or go rouge and fill the blank with jibberdick.  The message is engraved with precision by a fricken laser! That’s right, this is a goddamn laser dick! Or at least a laser engraved dick.

The message will be written in the one and only Comic Sans.

Message is 35 Characters MAX.

Here are a few ideas for messages to get the balls rolling:
Happy Birthday!
I think we should start seeing other people.
Get well soon!!
You’re a dick!
You know why you’re getting this…
Congratulations!
I wanna tongue punch your fart box.
It’s a Boy!!
It’s a Girl!!
SLAP!
I’m a grower, not a shower…
Your mom ruled in the sack last night!
Mine bends where yours ends.
I love you.
This is for being the loudest person in the Apt. complex.
Suck my left nut!
If your dick was this big, you’d have a smaller truck.
If you weren’t such a dick, I’d love you.
I <3 your mother!
I wish you weren’t such a dick.
You’re the most liked person in the office!
Happy Birthday Dad!
Happy Birthday Mom!
Happy Mother’s Day!
Since I can’t be inside you on your birthday, I thought I’d send you this.
Balls Deep!
MOVE OUT!!
Balls to the wall!

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Originally designed for Mother’s Day, the Dick Bouquet exudes sincerity and forgiveness.

Whether you’ve publicly humiliated the woman who stretched herself to unfathomable lengths just so you could ruin her life, or you recently blacked out into a threesome with your husband’s father and grandfather, this charming bouquet will get you out of the doghouse and back onto the couch.

The Dick Bouquet is curated with locally-sourced dickflowers (12), a sprig of baby’s breath and shitty, fluorescent tissue paper. There is no better way to say “I Love You” or “I’m sorry I jack-hammered the babysitter.”

If you’re still reading this, you’re a free-wheeling, pill-popping, ungrateful brute. Put down the Adderall, pick up the phone and order a dick. Actually, we don’t take phone orders. Get online with the rest of the sinners and reserve your Dick Bouquet today!

We’ve even included a custom note card for free!! Enter your message below.

 

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In the three days following his marriage, Townes Van Zandt locked himself in a closet and wrote a little number called, “Waitin’ Around to Die.”

Change out the closet for the cubicle and there you have it folks—the tragedy of the American graduate. Armed with a degree in Post-Modern Zoology, our proud academic will effortlessly work a call center for the rest of her xanax-sponsored life.

Ah, the horror! Please consider lifting these glitter-faced gumshoes from their cold despair! Have a friend or daughter who has slacked her way through a liberal arts degree? Commemorate your fledgling Beer pong professional and her impressive resume of Cs and STDS with a graduation dick. Standing at an erect 29 inches and lovingly endowed with a cap and gown, this dick should aptly express that profound indifference which a bachelor’s degree inspires. Unlike your special little graduate’s plagiarized thesis, our graduation dicks will arrive spell-checked and on time.

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Mr. Dick hasn’t always been so happy-go-lucky.

There was a dark time. In the heyday of his hedonism, he was surrounded by nymphos, unicorns and methamphetamines. He felt loved; he felt whole, or so he thought. On his thirtieth birthday, he woke up sweating in his satin sheets. Through his half-open bloodshot eye, all he could see was empty bottles of Cristal lying in a mess of off-white pantyhose that littered his shag carpet like a post-modern exhibition of all things past. He reached a trembling hand to his nightstand and pressed the answering machine. No messages. He got up and surveyed the counter. Not a single note or birthday greeting, but assorted lines of Benadryl upon a mirror which then reflected his unloved face.

From that day forward, Mr. Dick made a promise to himself. Never again would he allow the boys of summer to cockblock such an important anniversary. Better yet, he would always remember birthdays and make his friends and family feel loved. In honor of his bold decision, we are offering a summer special on “Happy Birthday “Dicks. No longer a pull-down message, these will be sold for $9.99, for as Mr. Dick reminds us, “It’s not okay to let your friends confront their mortality alone.”

Well said, O wise pioneer of the cardboard dick, well said.

Each Birthday Special Dick comes with a free party blower taped to the tip!

 

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Dicks in a box

We’re overloaded with small dicks and need to clear out some room at the dick factory! (Obviously, these cocktail wieners are not really ours. You can find our dick pics in the dicktionary beside the definition of gargantuan). Anyhow, after subsisting on a steady diet of Zima and Justin Timberlake, we realized we could just pour these peters into a box and send them to your friends.
Get about 50 of these 3″ peckers crammed into a box. We slam ’em in, tape it shut and ship it out the door. Wham-bam-thank you ma’am, and your dicks are in the wild!

We’ve even included a custom note card for free!! Enter your message below.

Each dick box is about 5″ x 5″ x 5″ and chock full of little dicks.  Overflowing with dicks! Enough dicks for a whole party! Dicks on dicks on dicks on dicks!

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Dick Crowns!! $4.99$40.81

Ask any homecumming king or drama queen.

Uneasy is the head that wears the crown. Just like Elvis, Rupaul and Jesus, we too have been cursed by that metaphorical crown of porns. Nevertheless, as our interns/nymphs feed us sausages from in between their ethereal racks, and our pet hummingbirds dance upon our icy nipples, we have to admit, it’s pretty good to be king.

You too, dear peasant, could  becum king of your own castle and transform your doublewide to Cockingham palace. Behold, my lord, thy golden crown of dick.

Laser-cut by a throng of illiterate serfs, these golden garlands are a veritable daisy chain of dick. Not only do our adjustable dick crowns derive from ultra-scarce 105 lb. Stardream Cardstock, but they exude so much authority, you’ll be handing out hall passes at the Swingers Club this weekend.

You’ll get 2 crowns for $4.99 and each additional crown is only $1.99!  So be sure to crown every fantasdick achievement with a chorus line of golden dicks.

(if you want more than 10 dick crowns, we love you. Just contact us and we’ll get ya a price)

We’ve even included a custom note card for free!! Enter your message below.

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Brighten up the party with these sparkling Dick Lights!

Specs: 15 Lights and 15 Dick clips. 4 ft. long. Lights spaced 4″ apart. 120 V (plug in, not battery powered).

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We here at the dick factory know a thing or two about looking cool.

Just look at Mr. Dick. Today he’s wearing hammer pants, a No Fear t-shirt, a pair of Reebok Pumps, and-the cherry on top—a polyester, low-calorie, Ship A Dick Fanny Pack. Both practical and retro-chic AF, this thing can accommodate everything from condoms to casseroles. So what are you waiting for, my intrepid trendsetter? Strap this thing on, and let the fame begin!

Oh, I forgot! Its zippered front-butt is filled with tiny cardboard dicks!

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Hate is dumb.
Flying Rainbow Dicks are cool!

It’s a tiny Dick with a Rainboner tail. This dick is 5.5″ from balls to tip and a two foot long rainbow tail.

They fly through the air with style and grace.

Throw ’em at someone you love!

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