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BACK 2 SKOOL KIT $9.99$18.98

What’s that swath of sloth you see next to the English Department? You mean that viscous puddle of profound indifference? That’s a yawn of coeds thrown up on the campus lawn. Oh yes, it’s Back 2 Skool Thyme y’all–cheers to another semester of drinking away your Daddy’s money between bouts of awkward yet well-intended fellatio. Because we here at Shipadick ( PHD, Fulbright Scholar) know too well the rigors of modern Academia, we’ve cum to your rescue again with the SAD Back 2 Skool Survival Kit. So put down that guitar you don’t know how to play, light some shitty incense and look at me when I speak. Yes, I’m talking to you, you goodfornothing, smartphone-humping, helpless millennial.

Contents include:
One neon acrylic dick ruler (History lesson!–most rulers are dicks)
Three dick pens (Impress all the cute subversive bookworms by insisting on hand-writing all your papers in cursive ‘cuz your thoughts just totally flow better that way)
Two dick koozies (Keep your beer cold or your dick warm)
A Book of Dick Matches (For lighting that Nag Champa to keep your dorm room fresh)
A handful of bootleg Adderall (kidding!)
A Tub of industrial strength White-out (still working out the shipping..)

Add a custom note card below for free! Help your slow-witted whelp onto the grenade-laden path of misery/adulthood with aptly chosen phrases like these; “If you fail this semester, you’re working on your pedophile uncle’s peanut farm” or “Good luck at college, my little moonbeam.”

Add a Fanny Pack of dicks for a discounted price of $8.99!
Not only will it will hold all their Skool supplies, but will help them be the top cock of the walk on campus.

Have a good school year you filthy edumacated coeds, we believe in you!

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The Classic, the OG, the dick that started it all

Just like a vintage vibrator, it’s primed, pumped and ready for love

This wonderfully designed penis shape is precision cut by a laser and then lovingly shipped to the recipient of your choosing. Don’t underestimate the power of this blank slate. Just like post-modern art, this ambiguous dick is sure to delight and befuddle your friends.  Guaranteed to force hard, philosoftdickal contradicktory introspection, the original dick is like that unexpected kiss from your girlfriend’s stepmom!

We’ve included a custom note card for free! Enter it below.

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A 29″ personalized member

that will bring a smile to any recipient’s face.  Use the Custom message to express your love or remind your friends of that embarrassing drunken moment from the night before.  Or go rouge and fill the blank with jibberdick.  The message is engraved with precision by a fricken laser! That’s right, this is a goddamn laser dick! Or at least a laser engraved dick.

The message will be written in the one and only Comic Sans.

Message is 35 Characters MAX.

Here are a few ideas for messages to get the balls rolling:
Happy Birthday!
I think we should start seeing other people.
Get well soon!!
You’re a dick!
You know why you’re getting this…
Congratulations!
I wanna tongue punch your fart box.
It’s a Boy!!
It’s a Girl!!
SLAP!
I’m a grower, not a shower…
Your mom ruled in the sack last night!
Mine bends where yours ends.
I love you.
This is for being the loudest person in the Apt. complex.
Suck my left nut!
If your dick was this big, you’d have a smaller truck.
If you weren’t such a dick, I’d love you.
I <3 your mother!
I wish you weren’t such a dick.
You’re the most liked person in the office!
Happy Birthday Dad!
Happy Birthday Mom!
Happy Mother’s Day!
Since I can’t be inside you on your birthday, I thought I’d send you this.
Balls Deep!
MOVE OUT!!
Balls to the wall!

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The Football Dick

Ah, football. The American pastime. The lights. The cheerleaders. The locker room circle jerks just before homecumming. I remember it all—trading kisses and STDs under the bleachers with girls from out of town. The gang showers after every practice. The star quarterback & that alligator between his legs. Ah fantasy football, to sob and slob on Bobby’s knob…

Hold up. I’m being told that Fantasy Football is a totally different thing. It apparently has little to do with nostalgic pornscapes of our high school years. I knew that. Totally. I was just kidding. Can’t you guys take a joke? Yes, the boner was part of the joke. It’s called method acting, you idiot.

UPDATE: Due to extenuating circumstances, Mr. Dick was unable to finish this product description.

This is a football dick. Send it to your friends who like football.

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Mr. Dick hasn’t always been so happy-go-lucky.

There was a dark time. In the heyday of his hedonism, he was surrounded by nymphos, unicorns and methamphetamines. He felt loved; he felt whole, or so he thought. On his thirtieth birthday, he woke up sweating in his satin sheets. Through his half-open bloodshot eye, all he could see was empty bottles of Cristal lying in a mess of off-white pantyhose that littered his shag carpet like a post-modern exhibition of all things past. He reached a trembling hand to his nightstand and pressed the answering machine. No messages. He got up and surveyed the counter. Not a single note or birthday greeting, but assorted lines of Benadryl upon a mirror which then reflected his unloved face.

From that day forward, Mr. Dick made a promise to himself. Never again would he allow the boys of summer to cockblock such an important anniversary. Better yet, he would always remember birthdays and make his friends and family feel loved. In honor of his bold decision, we are offering a summer special on “Happy Birthday “Dicks. No longer a pull-down message, these will be sold for $9.99, for as Mr. Dick reminds us, “It’s not okay to let your friends confront their mortality alone.”

Well said, O wise pioneer of the cardboard dick, well said.

Each Birthday Special Dick comes with a free party blower taped to the tip!

 

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Light it from behind and put it in your window!
Are you tired of privileged pre-teens in half-conceived witch costumes ringing your doorbell and demanding a full-size candy bar? Put this dick in your window, and we guarantee that nobody will come a knocking! Use the Dick-O-Lantern as cheese plate, a wall dickeration or an excuse to dress like a slut without the usual cultural stigma attached. We don’t care. Just don’t, whatever you do, don’t light a candle from the tip!

Each dick will come with the “Happy Halloween” engraved across the shaft.

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Just as Mr. Dick yearns to flee his man cave (his parent’s basement) and cast off his cockwebs, these DickBats are about to rampage through the utopian tubes of October twilight just in time for All Hallow’s Eve. Not your average cock goblins, these wingéd chariots are experts in dickolcation; they can sense a throbbing hunk of vampire meat from miles away. So confess, you sick voyeurist; unleash your hidden Ozzy and join the holiday suckathon. Give your neighbors the willies, but whatever you do, don’t scare yourself dickless. Dickorate your Monster Bash with an entire colony of cardboard DickBats. May we suggest a bottle of Blue Razzberry Mad Dog 20/20 to complement that smorgasbord of dick! #sorobust

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It’s 2019; our skeletons are finally cumming out of the closet, and holymotherofgod these guys are some grateful dead. Blessed with 32 different styles of dick, these boner bags are bangin around the dick factory like an apocalyptic zombie jug band.

With all of their wangers snapped together, they stand a towering 4 ft. 5 inches. Sprinkle in ghoulish Dick ribs, chode feet and bony, little dick fingers and you’ve got yourself a hot and capable companion for All Hallow’s Eve.

 

Knock Knock!

Who’s There?

A Skeleton

A skeleton who?

A skeleTON of boners on your doorstep.

 

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Allow me to introduce you to Asssper, the way-too friendly, ghost. Blessed with a Pacman body and cloaked by centuries of cum-stained linen, think of this apparition as a sex-addicted, boner vigilante. Hang him up in the hallway and relax as he patrols the corridors of your costume party. Just don’t let him get too close to that sexy lumberjack!

A free note card is included and you can enter it below.

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The Hole Shebang!
Just looking at this stunning array of Halloween dickorations is getting me scared stiff. Down boy, I’ve got a product description to do. ( Insert whip sound here). The guest list includes: Ghosts with a Boner, Dick Bats, the inimitable Skeleboner and just for dicks and jiggles, the original Dick O Lantern.
Talk about a Wet Dream Tag Team just in time for Halloween!

We’ll even include some drink koozies for all of your tasty Halloween beverages.

A free note card is included and you can enter it below.

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Ship A Dick Product Photo

For those folks who aren’t quite ready to tattoo the Shipadick logo on their foreskin, we’ve engineered the world’s most glorious key ring. Featuring supermegaultra-weatherproof anodized aluminum & your best friend’s name engraved on the shaft, this Dingaling Key Ring was built to accommodate and encourage spontaneous herky jerky. Whether you’re looking for a gag (pun intended) gift or if you’re one of those fucks from the commercials who actually buys a Lexus during the holidays, salvage a bit of self-respect with a metal key chain from Shipadick.

All key chains include a laser engraved name down the shaft. Enter it below!
(35 Characters Max in Comic Sans Font)
ShipADick.com is engraved on the back side.

They are made from solid laser cut aluminum and anodized black. They should last a lifetime attached to your prized dingaling.

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doggy dick product pic

Dogs are so cute. They’re soft, loyal, funny and in an apocalyptic pinch, their ears make for luxurious banana hammocks! Because out stupid Tinder profile says that we love these drooling, pandering wolf-people, we’ve decided to prove it with our PETA-approved and almost-plush Doggie Dick. Made from imported Antarctic cardboard, this adorable cocker spaniel is guaranteed to shit itself during your next thunderstorm! #howcuteisthat!

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A Pint Glass full of dicks.

Ever since Mr. Dick was a wee lad, he’s been stuffing his dick in each and every vessel that could withstand a wicked onslaught of 2.8 centimeters. In fact, things got so bad that Grandfather dick had to sell the whole flock due to a series of “familial transgressions.” Insert Sad Trombone here. Despite the shame and guilt of losing the family farm, he’s kept at it, for we all know you can’t teach an old dog new dicks.

The most recent dick-stuffing fixation involves his other lifelong passion: drinking. As soon as he finishes his pint of Jameson’s, he slams it onto the bar and promptly fills it with dicks. So we invite all ye O’Malleys and Shaughnessys out there to join the St. Paddy’s Day Cockathon and treat ye selves to a Pint O’ Dicks. Hand crafted by sloppy leprechauns from the glassy moats of Galway, these vessels will protect your drink like a vigilante shepherd. Be you alone, unhappily married or on the wire with the rest of the birds, the Pint O’ Dicks is the perfect hype man to kickstart your holiday clusterfuck. Erin Go Bragh, Brah!

Each pint glass will be ship full of dicks. Think of it as a multi-use vessel.

 

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Originally designed for Mother’s Day, the Dick Bouquet exudes sincerity and forgiveness.

Whether you’ve publicly humiliated the woman who stretched herself to unfathomable lengths just so you could ruin her life, or you recently blacked out into a threesome with your husband’s father and grandfather, this charming bouquet will get you out of the doghouse and back onto the couch.

The Dick Bouquet is curated with locally-sourced dickflowers (12), a sprig of baby’s breath and shitty, fluorescent tissue paper. There is no better way to say “I Love You” or “I’m sorry I jack-hammered the babysitter.”

If you’re still reading this, you’re a free-wheeling, pill-popping, ungrateful brute. Put down the Adderall, pick up the phone and order a dick. Actually, we don’t take phone orders. Get online with the rest of the sinners and reserve your Dick Bouquet today!

We’ve even included a custom note card for free!! Enter your message below.

 

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Ah, the locket.

The seminal accessory of the 1980’s high school hottie. How we longed to grace the inner sanctum of April Castellani’s locket as she waltzed across the Homecumming dance floor. Oh, what could be better than our face permanently rocked by the rise and fall of her steady breasts, our nostrils aquiver with Aquanet and Christian Dior. What, what’s that you say–April’s still living in Worcester, and she’s got 17 kids. Cock about dodging a bullet…

Twenty five years after that fateful night, we’ve created a friendship necklace so much better than a generic heart on a chain. Guaranteed to penetrate even the most conservative of jewelry boxes, the dicklace is essentially a broken dick. However, just like Captain Planet and the Bushwhackers, you can combine your powers and broken phallus to create one wholesome meat puppet which aptly defines your relationship status. To be clear, the dicklace is NOT cardboard. It’s made from the finest soft die-stuck enamel and attached to a gold (metal, about 5000 karats we presume) chain. When you’re apart, the severed dick hanging from your neck will remind you of that terrible vacancy in your soul. And when you meet for that glorious reunion, your dicks will cum together to create a Voltron of love and sisterhood so formidable that Meatloaf will be forced to finally do “that.”

Each dicklace is made from soft die-stuck enamel and consists of 2 pink halves. Every order will come with a 24″ gold necklace attached to each half.

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Dicks in a box

We’re overloaded with small dicks and need to clear out some room at the dick factory! (Obviously, these cocktail wieners are not really ours. You can find our dick pics in the dicktionary beside the definition of gargantuan). Anyhow, after subsisting on a steady diet of Zima and Justin Timberlake, we realized we could just pour these peters into a box and send them to your friends.
Get about 50 of these 3″ peckers crammed into a box. We slam ’em in, tape it shut and ship it out the door. Wham-bam-thank you ma’am, and your dicks are in the wild!

We’ve even included a custom note card for free!! Enter your message below.

Each dick box is about 5″ x 5″ x 5″ and chock full of little dicks.  Overflowing with dicks! Enough dicks for a whole party! Dicks on dicks on dicks on dicks!

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Dick Crowns!! $4.99$40.81

Ask any homecumming king or drama queen.

Uneasy is the head that wears the crown. Just like Elvis, Rupaul and Jesus, we too have been cursed by that metaphorical crown of porns. Nevertheless, as our interns/nymphs feed us sausages from in between their ethereal racks, and our pet hummingbirds dance upon our icy nipples, we have to admit, it’s pretty good to be king.

You too, dear peasant, could  becum king of your own castle and transform your doublewide to Cockingham palace. Behold, my lord, thy golden crown of dick.

Laser-cut by a throng of illiterate serfs, these golden garlands are a veritable daisy chain of dick. Not only do our adjustable dick crowns derive from ultra-scarce 105 lb. Stardream Cardstock, but they exude so much authority, you’ll be handing out hall passes at the Swingers Club this weekend.

You’ll get 2 crowns for $4.99 and each additional crown is only $1.99!  So be sure to crown every fantasdick achievement with a chorus line of golden dicks.

(if you want more than 10 dick crowns, we love you. Just contact us and we’ll get ya a price)

We’ve even included a custom note card for free!! Enter your message below.

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Are you ready to eat a Bag of Swedish Dicks??

Tired of the same old gummer from the Moldovan widow in apartment 2B?
Does sugar daddy insist on deep V diving dentures-first?
Weep no more, my unfortunate saps, for we’ve got a cumload of gummy dicks to plunder that rickety relation-Ship. 100% organic, trans-fat free and handpicked by the severed fingers of unionized factory workers, these DDT-free, anti-agent orange amalgams of corn syrup and gelatin are the gummy dicks you can feel good about. I repeat—other gummy dicks are made primarily from the flesh of baby seals. Baby Seal barely makes our ingredient list. Unlike those other guys, our gummy dicks stand erect for diversity too! They cum in and on every color. So wait no longer, my waffling stomper. Reserve your rash of gummy dicks today.

A free note card is included and you can enter it below.
Tell someone special to eat a bag of dicks!

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Allotting 7 days to celebrate sharks is weak.
Having never felt fear, sharks cruise through the ocean like a security guard on a Segway. To celebrate these primitive, violent behomeths, we’ve fashioned a special dick to honor and lambast all those shark emulators in your land-locked life. Know a bully who ruthlessly severs the limbs of the less powerful around her? Send her a dick to celebrate her ferocity. Have a friend who was attacked by a shark and lost an appendage? Don’t. Do not under any circumstances, send him this shark dick. If you doubt the versatility of this shark dick, check out this amazing shark dick: Shark attack!

A free note card is included and you can enter it below.

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We here at the dick factory know a thing or two about looking cool.

Just look at Mr. Dick. Today he’s wearing hammer pants, a No Fear t-shirt, a pair of Reebok Pumps, and-the cherry on top—a polyester, low-calorie, Ship A Dick Fanny Pack. Both practical and retro-chic AF, this thing can accommodate everything from condoms to casseroles. So what are you waiting for, my intrepid trendsetter? Strap this thing on, and let the fame begin!

Oh, I forgot! Its zippered front-butt is filled with tiny cardboard dicks!

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Hate is dumb.
Flying Rainbow Dicks are cool!

It’s a tiny Dick with a Rainboner tail. This dick is 5.5″ from balls to tip and a two foot long rainbow tail.

They fly through the air with style and grace.

Throw ’em at someone you love!

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A rare opportunity beckons, my fellow dick enthusiast.

Given the wild inequality of the system you’ve spent your life unsuccessfully fucking, treasure is exceedingly hard to cum by. Yet, here she lies on this shiny webpage ripe for the dicking. Behold, the priceless* pleasure trove otherwise known as the Bag O’ Dicks. It’s a faux burlap sack on the brink of implosion from the weight of 30+ miniature wieners.

In short, the Bag O’ Dicks = A Pot of Gold, and you, my darling, are one fine-ass leprechaun.

*Adjective used metaphorically. This product costs money.

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After our design for a wholesome Thanksgiving float was rejected by Macy’s for the 13th time, we retreated into our autumnal pornicopia for some serious introspection. Whose bird should we actually be stuffing? How else could we tell the world that we’d manufactured an army of brainwashed turkeys just so they could march down its throat? Where would our incestors have stashed their dark meat while feverishly mounting Plymouth Cock?

Though tempted to overdose on Tryptophan and slog through a slow-motion orgy or bask in the cheap glow of smallpox jokes, we’ve reached deep inside ourselves and pulled out a design so groundbreaking, it just slipped through the humid sinkhole of Aunt Edna’s crotch. Never fear my emotional cock gobbler, for we’ve got floppy dicks and used beef sticks.

What your wondering eye is beholding might be the most delightful dick in the history of every possible world. Blessed with a rash of miniature dicks for feathers and an authentic period style pilgrim hat, this Turkey’s googly eyes will have you going back for seconds before we actually get it out the door. Organically raised on a strict diet of handies and jello shots, this cage-free Turdicken is a big middle finger through the crapbox of factory farms everywhere!

So dust off that Arlo Guthrie record and watch Uncle Geoff forget the name of his mail order bride! Cram the kids into a minivan and celebrate Black Friday in the parking lot of your favorite Walmart! Channel the true spirit of Thanksgiving and trample the less powerful around you!

Just don’t forget the most charming holiday centerpiece of the century, the heart-humpingly wholesome Turdicken!

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Nothing says nostalgia like grabbing a dead turkey’s clavicle and snapping it in half while your smiling family applauds. Since, we here at Shipadick, are permanently stuck in the past, (Call our land-line if you don’t believe it) we thought we’d recreate one of our favorite Thanksgiving memories. Cut out of 1/8″ white acrylic (4″ tall) this double-dicked plastic bone is, like Mr. Dick on the tail end of a White-Out bender, ready to fucking snap. Just grab a friend, choose a shaft, make a wish and jerk it off.

5 Wishboners in pack!

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Wholesome. Sincere. Thoughtful. Virtuous.

Designed for all those good guys and gals out there who actually respect American tradition, this is a plain cardboard dick with Happy Thanksgiving engraved on the shaft. Don’t ruin Aunt Edna’s mental breakdown/Thanksgiving dinner with our other blasphemous products. Rather, accentuate her Dollar Store Napkins with this classy, considerate centerpiece.

We’ve included a free Note Card that we’ll slap on the back. Enter it below.

Gobble Gobble!

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While Mr. Dick is notoriously coy regarding his biography, we are compelled to share some relevant data from his tiny, shriveled childhood. Mr. Dick was raised on a steady diet of Mickey’s, Fritos, Night Court and Portland Trailblazers basketball.

If you weren’t such a Sportsball deficient aristocrat, you’d know that Mr. Dick’s hometown of Portland, OR is, in NBA circle jerks, known as Rip City.

History notwithstanding, we believe it’s time to modify that moniker to reflect the true spirit of Portland Fuckin’ Orygun. So, welcome to Dick City, my basketball brethren—a haven for clam dunks and 3 second violations! These t-shirts range from XS-3XL and are smoother than Clyde the Glide on a Slip N Slide. A perfect complement to Dame Time, 3J and Nurkic Fever, the Dick City rally tee is guaranteed to propel us to 8th place in the Western Conference!

2 color screen print on Next Level Apparel cotton-poly blend (soft as a freshly waxed hyena).

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Glitter. The dandruff of god’s pubic hair.

The cruel reminder of crafternoons spent with your old flame.

Ethereal spittle from just the tip of the last unicorn.

Due to an surprise outbreak of glitterrorism across the interwebs, we’ve dusted off the Defibrillators and resERECTed the one and only glitterdick. The latest incarnation cums across the face of the Beeber dick like a bit of starlight slipping over a stand of red alders. Keep in mind, the Glitterdick is our smallest dick; the actual shaft size just shy of 5 inches, but remember, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the balls on that dog!

This veritable Dinkerbell specializes in ambush. Rest assured that the glitterdick constantly sheds its own skin, thereby guaranteeing a puddle of glittery discharge all over the recipient’s shitty IKEA couch.

We’ve even included a custom note card for free!! Enter your message below.

 

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One great thing about this dick-it’s really really rich!

Also, a lot of our other dicks are really really stupid! This dick is really smart too-like don’t wizz on the electric border fence smart! Speaking of fences, the Donald has been assembling a fence made of freedom dicks to aptly segregate the inventory closet. Lucky for you, it’s got a gaping glory hole! So make your friend’s home or office great again and order a Donald Dick today! Remember all you have to do is sit on your ass and complain to this tow-headed trump tower and your paltry piggy bank will become the boss hog of your double wide! Did we mention that this dick was really really rich?

Join us my fellow countrymen and together we can make America dick again!

Each Donald Dick will come adorned with colored hair, and a red paper tie!

 

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Fuck dicks. It’s 2019, and we’re turning over a new queef at the cock shop. Once noble denizens of our sallow jockstraps, our dicks are clearly conniving, cheating, worthless cunts. So we, perennial innovators of all things genitalia, have devised a solution. A remedy so cutting-edge, 0 out of ten doctors call it the new circumcision.

Stomp ‘em out. With every step. Behold the socially-conscious and decidedly not tone-deaf Dick Flops!!! Available in three sizes, these tramp-stampers are ideal footwear for hangovers, dining halls and strip-mall day spas. At their hardest core, they are a flippitty-floppitty fuck you to all those Birkenstock jocks and their slam-clam jamborees.

SIZE CHART:

**SOLD OUT** Large (M 10 – 11) Sandal Length – 11.5″ **SOLD OUT**
Medium (M 8-10) Sandal Length – 10.75″
Small (M 7 and Below) Sandal Length – 10.5″

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Brighten up the party with these sparkling Dick Lights!

Specs: 15 Lights and 15 Dick clips. 4 ft. long. Lights spaced 4″ apart. 120 V (plug in, not battery powered).

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The Dick Koozie!! $2.99$7.00

While your pathetic friends fumble with lame koozies

from someone’s shitty wedding or high school reunion, drink proudly with a Dick Koozie from the alcoholdicks here at Shipadick. Available in black and guaranteed to make you ten times cooler than anyone else at the 4th of July Cockout, this Floozie of a Koozie loves a good fisting. You, my lucky friend, can fondle these foam goddesses for half the price of a Chinese buttplug.

1 for $2.99. 2 for $5, or 3 for $7.

One side is the Ship A Dick logo and the other side is, drum-roll please, the the Ship A Dick logo!

Why add another thing to your arsenal of ridickulous summer accessories? Just Bekoozie.

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I see your Schwartz isn’t nearly as big as mine!

Never fear, hapless stormpooper, for we’ve fashioned Dick Sabers for all ye less endowed out there. Mancrafted by a tribe of horny ewoks, these 28 inch cardboard sabers feature sturdy testicles that offer unprecedented grip for your greasy, little talons. These sabers cum in twos, so prepare for that awkward moment when you have to leave your parents’ basement and actually hang out with someone else!

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This is only the beginning…

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Holy Cockamole, Shaftman!

Have we got a manty-dropping PSA for all ye Shipadick superfans out there!. So put down the Zima, you brown-nosed sycophants, and pay erection for once in your lives!

Behold the limited-edition Crew-neck Sweatshirt. Available in sizes from XS to XL (sold out of 2XL…sorry!), this clitoral pink & cock-crafted cotton sweatshirt is softer than the sweet spot on your Grandma’s front-butt. And that’s not all. This shit is embroidered too. Other lame companies will screen-print their logos on cheap t-shirts from Costco that will not only turn your nipples into bloody, puss-filled volcanoes, but they’ll shrink instantly like your cocktail wiener in a kiddie pool. Not us. Our state-of-the-fart embroidery comes standard with a foot-long hot dog and a hallway.

Yes, my friends the 90’s are back. Go frost those tips, check your hotmail accounts and peel Axl Rose from that gas station bathroom. Oh and buy this shiek-AF, crew-neck sweatshirt from your buttrockin’ brothers at ShipADick! Did we mention every sweatshirt comes with a free pair of white, Jockey* underwear?

All proceeds go to the kids in Soul Asylum’s Runaway Train Video! Not.

* Not actual underwear from people that ride racehorses for a living. The CDC squashed that idea before we could even get a prototype!

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If you’re getting married this fall, we’re sorry for your loss.
However, despite the tyranny of monogamous relationships, you still have a few months to salvage a tiny scrap of your former self. Because we’ve looked into our crystal balls and winced at your fate, we’ve created the Tuxdicko, a memento of sorts from the days when Saltines and Busch Light were too much to constitute a dinner party. Order one to confirm your attendance to a high-brow party or inform your groomsmen of their fates with a custom message. Perfect for bachelorette parties, divorces, bar mitzvahs, costume orgies, weddings and funerals, this sophistidick exudes dignity and grace.

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In the three days following his marriage, Townes Van Zandt locked himself in a closet and wrote a little number called, “Waitin’ Around to Die.”

Change out the closet for the cubicle and there you have it folks—the tragedy of the American graduate. Armed with a degree in Post-Modern Zoology, our proud academic will effortlessly work a call center for the rest of her xanax-sponsored life.

Ah, the horror! Please consider lifting these glitter-faced gumshoes from their cold despair! Have a friend or daughter who has slacked her way through a liberal arts degree? Commemorate your fledgling Beer pong professional and her impressive resume of Cs and STDS with a graduation dick. Standing at an erect 29 inches and lovingly endowed with a cap and gown, this dick should aptly express that profound indifference which a bachelor’s degree inspires. Unlike your special little graduate’s plagiarized thesis, our graduation dicks will arrive spell-checked and on time.

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Dad Dicks. The biggest damn dicks you ever saw in your prepubescent life.
Outfitted with a generic tie and a cup of American-flavored Joe, our dicks will transform your creator into a harbinger of hallmark-sponsored domestic bliss. Resurrect his balls from your mother’s purse and watch him proudly prance across the living room—among all the other suburban roosters, make him the top cock of the neighborhood. After all, your Dad cared enough about the “future you” to scuff the pleather interior of his Ford Tempo. So, tell him you love him, tell him you hate him or tell him you’re gay*. We don’t care. Just get the order in soon so we can get these dicks out the door.
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Let’s be real for a second.

#1 Sometimes certain conduct is so egregious that even a cardboard dick can’t aptly express the Fuckyouness of your outrage. #2 A certain psychopathic portion of the population revel in their dickniness, and they laugh like villains as all the peasants sweating below them wrestle with concepts like civility and morality.

As a result of these two empirical facts, we’ve unveiled the Ultimate Warrior (RIP) of Dickshipping. With all the subtlety of a boner at the beach, the Woody is a 29 inch phallus made from gluten-free, all-natural 1/4″ Baltic Birch Plywood. Weighing in at 2 pounds and hailing from Portland, Oregon this wooden dick is basically a gavel of epic proportions.

Have a best friend who you saved from drowning who defiled your wife on your wedding night and only told you 18 years later when he wanted to see what his kid looked like? He probably deserves a Woody. Or perhaps, you are that friend and you’ve been craving a MANtlepiece to complete your Wall of Shame.

 

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In this Tinderfied world of instant hookups and lethargic handies, authentic heartfelt gestures have grown decidedly scarce. Benevolent boners and valiant vaginas have been subsumed by crude clit pics & eggplant emojis. Even the The Hot Carl, once considered to be the most sincere and natural form of love-making has been reduced to a crude Waffle Stomp with little or no butt play attached. Consequently, we here at Ship A Dick, have decided to put the hole back into Wholesome this Valentine’s Day.

No longer will you robotically gyrate through a hurried fingerbang, for we have created a product so gooey and sentimental, Hallmark’s trying to make it into a shitty movie. Without further ado, behold, the Panty Rose.

From afar, it’s a tender symbol of love and devotion. However, a closer inspection reveals its sultry secret–a little heavy petting will transform this rose into a bra-dropping brouhaha of L-O-V-E. Yes, my naive love soldiers, this rose doubles as pantyhose. So throw out that Mormon underwear & dust off that Al Green. These things are so dang flattering, they’ll totes overcompensate for whatever’s brimmin in that Petri dish below your bondage belt.

It cums in red, black, white and pink (which will be randomly selected)  & attached to a giant cardboard dick (natural color).

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