Mr. Dick hasn’t always been so happy-go-lucky.
There was a dark time. In the heyday of his hedonism, he was surrounded by nymphos, unicorns and methamphetamines. He felt loved; he felt whole, or so he thought. On his thirtieth birthday, he woke up sweating in his satin sheets. Through his half-open bloodshot eye, all he could see was empty bottles of Cristal lying in a mess of off-white pantyhose that littered his shag carpet like a post-modern exhibition of all things past. He reached a trembling hand to his nightstand and pressed the answering machine. No messages. He got up and surveyed the counter. Not a single note or birthday greeting, but assorted lines of Benadryl upon a mirror which then reflected his unloved face.
From that day forward, Mr. Dick made a promise to himself. Never again would he allow the boys of summer to cockblock such an important anniversary. Better yet, he would always remember birthdays and make his friends and family feel loved. In honor of his bold decision, we are offering a summer special on “Happy Birthday “Dicks. No longer a pull-down message, these will be sold for $9.99, for as Mr. Dick reminds us, “It’s not okay to let your friends confront their mortality alone.”
Well said, O wise pioneer of the cardboard dick, well said.
Each Birthday Special Dick comes with a free party blower taped to the tip!
Every order is sent anonymously!
Your secret is safe with us.