Valentines Day gifts that show you care

Roses are hella Dead.
Violets are wicked Dumb.
Buy him a cardboard Dick!
He won’t know where it’s from!

Darling, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…missionary, reverse cowgirl, space dock, the Russian Locomotive…We here at Ship A Dick could keep going all night as I’m sure you can my fellow dick enthusiast. We just wanted to remind you that Valentine’s Day is cumming soon, and that we here at ShipADick traffic in love-making organs of epic proportions. In addition to our 29 inch confetti cannons, we offer dick bouquets, Valendicks, dicklaces, gummy dicks, bags of dicks and more.

So quit sweating over that shitty sonnet. Remove thy greasy paws from the generic jewelry at JC Penney. And for dick’s sake, get the fuck out of that hipsturd of a fancy restaurant! Feels better, don’t it? Now, get a 40oz and lay on the couch. Get another. Bring back two this time. Pound ’em both, my little Romeo. You’re ready now. Go forth and get that guy or gal some dick!

Save a few bucks for that fancy tallboy of ‘merican lager you’re gonna buy your date and use this coupon code to save 15% on your order:
CODE: VD15

Here are some of our suggested dicks by mail (we may be a little biased 😉 :

1. The Valendick

It’s crept upon us at last, our favorite anniversary when lovers from across the world awkwardly fumble through shopping malls and Walmarts, driven by the desperate hope that they won’t have to fend off their sad and ugly world alone. We, here at Shipadick, have known love in all its forms (missionary, doggy-style, triple-sow cow, reverse cowgirl, and Rasputin’s wheelbarrow), so lean on us for guidance as you seek to expresseth the wanton ways of thy cowardly heart.

1. Roses are dead
Don’t send flowers. They are pretty, and then they die. That kind of allegory will discourage even the sluttiest of Valentines.
2. Dinner please…
Do you really want to be one of those obnoxious peasant couples who dines out of their league for one silly day of the year? Don’t become what you hate just for a chance at some toothy, drunken fellatio.
3. Don’t play the chocolottery
You’ve spent the last year passive-aggressively suggesting your partner shed that extra weight, and you want to beg forgiveness with the very object of your indiscretion. Hypocrite!
4. Send a Cardboard Dick

Since we’ve found love and have no bias in the matters of the heart, allow us to suggest a Valentine’s day gift that is certain to make that greased pig squeal.
Ben Franklin once said, “A dick on the doorstep is worth two in the sack.” A true patriot and notorious lecher, we thinks Mr. Franklin meant that love and sex are in fact the same thing. Ask any black widow spider. You think she writes a sonnet before killing her boy toy?

Hence, allow us to introduce the Ship A Dick Classic Valendick. Don’t settle for generic Hallmark-sponsored tomfoolery.

Your valentine is original, so she deserves an original gift. Say I love you with a cardboard dick.

Tell them what you think about your feelings with a free note-card!

Every order is sent anonymously!
Your secret is safe with us.

 

2. The Dick Bouquet

Originally designed for Mother’s Day, the Dick Bouquet exudes sincerity and forgiveness.

Whether you’ve publicly humiliated the woman who stretched herself to unfathomable lengths just so you could ruin her life, or you recently blacked out into a threesome with your husband’s father and grandfather, this charming bouquet will get you out of the doghouse and back onto the couch.

The Dick Bouquet is curated with locally-sourced dickflowers (12), a sprig of fake baby’s breath and shitty, fluorescent tissue paper. There is no better way to say “I Love You” or “I’m sorry I jack-hammered the babysitter.”

If you’re still reading this, you’re a free-wheeling, pill-popping, ungrateful brute. Put down the Adderall, pick up the phone and order a Ship a Dick. Actually, we don’t take phone orders. Get online with the rest of the sinners and reserve your Dick Bouquet today!

We’ve even included a custom note card for free!!

Every order is sent anonymously!
Your secret is safe with us.

 

3. The ‘Best Friends’ Dicklace

Ah, the locket.  The seminal accessory of the 1980’s high school hottie. How we longed to grace the inner sanctum of April Castellani’s locket as she waltzed across the Homecumming dance floor. Oh, what could be better than our face permanently rocked by the rise and fall of her steady breasts, our nostrils aquiver with Aquanet and Christian Dior. What, what’s that you say–April’s still living in Worcester, and she’s got 17 kids. Cock about dodging a bullet…

Twenty five years after that fateful night, we’ve created a friendship necklace so much better than a generic heart on a chain. Guaranteed to penetrate even the most conservative of jewelry boxes, the dicklace is essentially a broken dick. However, just like Captain Planet and the Bushwhackers, you can combine your powers and broken phallus to create one wholesome meat puppet which aptly defines your relationship status. To be clear, the dicklace is NOT cardboard. It’s made from the finest soft die-stuck enamel and attached to a gold (metal, about 5000 karats we presume) chain. When you’re apart, the severed dick hanging from your neck will remind you of that terrible vacancy in your soul. And when you meet for that glorious reunion, your dicks will cum together to create a Voltron of love and sisterhood so formidable that Meatloaf will be forced to finally do “that.”

Each dicklace is made from soft die-stuck enamel and consists of 2 pink halves. Every order will come with a 24″ gold necklace attached to each half.

Add a free note card!

Every order is sent anonymously!
Your secret is safe with us.

 

That’s it for now from the desk of Mr. Dick.
Check back soon for more!

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Love and always yours,
-
Mr. Dick.

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