It’s with a heavy heart-on that I write you today.
As you know, O loyal comrades, we’ve been playing with each other’s dicks for 5 long years. Don’t think I haven’t memorized your sumptuous dick notes. Don’t think I take your giant pork swords for granted.
Alas, I’ve just returned from a vision quest on the icy tundra of North Las Vegas, and under the interstate, I found my true self bathing in a tub of industrial-strength White-Out. Let me be frank. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It’s not you; it’s him, and he’s really hot.
So, without further ado, from this sentence forth, I am retiring from the cardboard dick industry. I repeat; I’m officially stepping down from the bone throne. After an interminable ten seconds of serious self-reflection, I’ve realized I’m not a dick. Turns out I’m a conniving, self-indulgent, panty-pooping Asshole.
To commemorate this moment in cardboard naughty part history, I present to you the A-hole. Made from the leftover cardboard of your broken dreams, the A-hole is basically an apology for leading you on. A pair of ass-cheeks spread wide by some cardboard hands, the A-hole cums with an artisanal starfish anus. To really put the hay where your goats can get at, we’ve stuck a party blower through the hole.
Go ahead, blow it out your asshole to your heart’s content. It won’t bring me back. O my pathetic little nymph brigade, I’ve moved on. Current dick orders will be fulfilled with alacrity and grace. As for us, we’re finished. But whenever you look up at the night sky and see a throbbing constellation boner tickle Orion’s bearded face, think of me, darling. Think of me.
Love Alwayz N 4EVA,
Monsieur Asshole—the artist formally known as Mr. Dick.
(Written for April Fools day.... We're still shipping dicks!)
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Some Frequently Asked Dick Questions:
- Are the dicks sent anonymously?
They sure are! The only clue of where it came from will be Ship A Dick’s return address on the shipping label. Even if they email us asking who sent it, we’ll tell them it goes against our Ship A Dick Code of Ethics and we won’t give out that private information.
- Are you sure they won’t find out I sent it?? I’m really worried…
Rest assured your secret is safe with us! We have never and will never give out any order information.
- How is this giant dick shipped?
We insert the full length penis into a thin brown paper bag, seal it up, slap a shipping label on it and send it out into the wild via the United States Postal Service.
Every order gets a large orange sticker that says "Fondle With Care'
- How much is shipping?
All dicks are shipped via the United States Postal Service. The cheapest shipping option is ‘First Class Mail’ and generally runs about $5 and takes 3-6 business days to arrive. The faster and more expensive option is ‘Priority Mail’. It costs about $7-$12 depending on the destination and will arrive in 1-3 days. All shipping costs will be calculated on the checkout page.
- How long does it take to get there?
Generally, we ship dicks within 24hrs after they’re ordered, occasionally within 2 days of an order. No dicks are shipped on weekends; please time your order accordingly. If they are shipped via ‘First Class mail’ then it will take 3-6 business days to arrive once the order is processed. Faster shipping via ‘Priority Mail’ will get your dick there in 1-3 days after the order is processed. We do not guarantee the USPS won’t drop the balls on this.
- Will the recipient know I sent them a giant dick?
Nope! They will only see ShipADick.com’s return address. It’s our dirty, little secret. We promise not to tell.
- How thick is the dick?
Dicks are made of 1/4″ double-walled gluten free, free-range, certified orgasmic cardboard. What they lack in thickness, they deliver, like a Creed slow jam, in beauty and grace.
- What color are the dicks?
Like your Aunt Edna’s underwear, white on one side, and brown on the other.
- Why are you guys even doing this?!?!?
Because shipping giant dicks to people brings us more joy than anything else in life (after handies from your mother of course.)
- Do you live and operate ShipADick.com out of your parent’s basement?
Yes… How’d you guess that?!?!?
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10/10, would send the hole again!!!!
This asshole is the only one you’ll need besides the one in your butt. The placement of the hands spreading the cheeks is perfect. Everyone will be jealous of your rusty sheriff badge. This is the part that goes over the fence last. You will get a lot of compliments on your brother round mouth. Highly recommend and you might get laid too.
I love you.