After our design for a wholesome Thanksgiving float was rejected by Macy’s for the 13th time, we retreated into our autumnal pornicopia for some serious introspection. Whose bird should we actually be stuffing? How else could we tell the world that we’d manufactured an army of brainwashed turkeys just so they could march down its throat? Where would our incestors have stashed their dark meat while feverishly mounting Plymouth Cock?
Though tempted to overdose on Tryptophan and slog through a slow-motion orgy or bask in the cheap glow of smallpox jokes, we’ve reached deep inside ourselves and pulled out a design so groundbreaking, it just slipped through the humid sinkhole of Aunt Edna’s crotch. Never fear my emotional cock gobbler, for we’ve got floppy dicks and used beef sticks.
What your wondering eye is beholding might be the most delightful dick in the history of every possible world. Blessed with a rash of miniature dicks for feathers and an authentic period style pilgrim hat, this Turkey’s googly eyes will have you going back for seconds before we actually get it out the door. Organically raised on a strict diet of handies and jello shots, this cage-free Turdicken is a big middle finger through the crapbox of factory farms everywhere!
So dust off that Arlo Guthrie record and watch Uncle Geoff forget the name of his mail order bride! Cram the kids into a minivan and celebrate Black Friday in the parking lot of your favorite Walmart! Channel the true spirit of Thanksgiving and trample the less powerful around you!
Just don’t forget the most charming holiday centerpiece of the century, the heart-humpingly wholesome Turdicken!
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Some Frequently Asked Dick Questions:
- Are the dicks sent anonymously?
They sure are! The only clue of where it came from will be Ship A Dick’s return address on the shipping label. Even if they email us asking who sent it, we’ll tell them it goes against our Ship A Dick Code of Ethics and we won’t give out that private information.
- Are you sure they won’t find out I sent it?? I’m really worried…
Rest assured your secret is safe with us! We have never and will never give out any order information.
- How is this giant dick shipped?
We insert the full length penis into a thin brown paper bag, seal it up, slap a shipping label on it and send it out into the wild via the United States Postal Service.
Every order gets a large orange sticker that says "Fondle With Care'
- How much is shipping?
All dicks are shipped via the United States Postal Service. The cheapest shipping option is ‘First Class Mail’ and generally runs about $5 and takes 3-6 business days to arrive. The faster and more expensive option is ‘Priority Mail’. It costs about $7-$12 depending on the destination and will arrive in 1-3 days. All shipping costs will be calculated on the checkout page.
- How long does it take to get there?
Generally, we ship dicks within 24hrs after they’re ordered, occasionally within 2 days of an order. No dicks are shipped on weekends; please time your order accordingly. If they are shipped via ‘First Class mail’ then it will take 3-6 business days to arrive once the order is processed. Faster shipping via ‘Priority Mail’ will get your dick there in 1-3 days after the order is processed. We do not guarantee the USPS won’t drop the balls on this.
- Will the recipient know I sent them a giant dick?
Nope! They will only see ShipADick.com’s return address. It’s our dirty, little secret. We promise not to tell.
- How thick is the dick?
Dicks are made of 1/4″ double-walled gluten free, free-range, certified orgasmic cardboard. What they lack in thickness, they deliver, like a Creed slow jam, in beauty and grace.
- What color are the dicks?
Like your Aunt Edna’s underwear, white on one side, and brown on the other.
- Why are you guys even doing this?!?!?
Because shipping giant dicks to people brings us more joy than anything else in life (after handies from your mother of course.)
- Do you live and operate ShipADick.com out of your parent’s basement?
Yes… How’d you guess that?!?!?