After our design for a wholesome Thanksgiving float was rejected by Macy’s for the 13th time, we retreated into our autumnal pornicopia for some serious introspection. Whose bird should we actually be stuffing? How else could we tell the world that we’d manufactured an army of brainwashed turkeys just so they could march down its throat? Where would our incestors have stashed their dark meat while feverishly mounting Plymouth Cock?
Though tempted to overdose on Tryptophan and slog through a slow-motion orgy or bask in the cheap glow of smallpox jokes, we’ve reached deep inside ourselves and pulled out a design so groundbreaking, it just slipped through the humid sinkhole of Aunt Edna’s crotch. Never fear my emotional cock gobbler, for we’ve got floppy dicks and used beef sticks.
What your wondering eye is beholding might be the most delightful dick in the history of every possible world. Blessed with a rash of miniature dicks for feathers and an authentic period style pilgrim hat, this Turkey’s googly eyes will have you going back for seconds before we actually get it out the door. Organically raised on a strict diet of handies and jello shots, this cage-free Turdicken is a big middle finger through the crapbox of factory farms everywhere!
So dust off that Arlo Guthrie record and watch Uncle Geoff forget the name of his mail order bride! Cram the kids into a minivan and celebrate Black Friday in the parking lot of your favorite Walmart! Channel the true spirit of Thanksgiving and trample the less powerful around you!
Just don’t forget the most charming holiday centerpiece of the century, the heart-humpingly wholesome Turdicken!
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