It’s crept upon us at last, our favorite anniversary when lovers from across the world awkwardly fumble through shopping malls and Walmarts, driven by the desperate hope that they won’t have to fend off their sad and ugly world alone. We, here at Shipadick, have known love in all its forms (missionary, doggy-style, triple-sow cow, reverse cowgirl, and Rasputin’s wheelbarrow), so lean on us for guidance as you seek to expresseth the wanton ways of thy cowardly heart.
1. Roses are dead
Don’t send flowers. They are pretty, and then they die. That kind of allegory will discourage even the sluttiest of Valentines.
2. Dinner please…
Do you really want to be one of those obnoxious peasant couples who dines out of their league for one silly day of the year? Don’t become what you hate just for a chance at some toothy, drunken fellatio.
3. Don’t play the chocolottery
You’ve spent the last year passive-aggressively suggesting your partner shed that extra weight, and you want to beg forgiveness with the very object of your indiscretion. Hypocrite!
4. Send a Cardboard Dick
Since we’ve found love and have no bias in the matters of the heart, allow us to suggest a Valentine’s day gift that is certain to make that greased pig squeal.
Ben Franklin once said, “A dick on the doorstep is worth two in the sack.” A true patriot and notorious lecher, we thinks Mr. Franklin meant that love and sex are in fact the same thing. Ask any black widow spider. You think she writes a sonnet before killing her boy toy?
Hence, allow us to introduce the Ship A Dick Classic Valendick. Don’t settle for generic Hallmark-sponsored tomfoolery.
Your valentine is original, so she deserves an original gift. Say I love you with a 29" long cardboard dick that's penetrating a heart.
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Your secret is safe with us.